in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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