i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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