I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
