I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
