I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
