I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
