I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
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YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.