I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
21 Millennials Confess The Most Awkward Way Someone Has Tried Hitting On Them
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages