I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
