What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Alive.
So much puke
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
