I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
