he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
