you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Just puked most of my soul out..
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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