I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
