peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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