i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
