ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
