I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Come share oat with me in your robe
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
