I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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