I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
It's shark week go big or go home
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
