You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
