So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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