I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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