Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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