Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
