that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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