i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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