He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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