peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize