Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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