$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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