the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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