After last night, I could never be a politician.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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