Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
