Your mouth is God's brothel.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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