Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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