Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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