Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
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Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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