Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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