I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
