I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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