he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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