I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
