go do what you do best...puke behind churches
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
