thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Randomize
