hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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