Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize