Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
