wat bout pragnant strippers??
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
