you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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