you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
