1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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