Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
