This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
