Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
You had me at "let me see your balls"
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