So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
