Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
and eventually we just all took our pants off
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
