Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
