having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
