So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
