i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
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I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
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That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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