there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
