i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
