you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
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